Friday, October 1, 2010

letters from a housewife

Dear small and medium garden snakes,

You creep me out! I know that you guys are harmless but you are gross. You make is so I don't want to read on my front step or play in the grass with my daughter. My wonderful husband caught you today and took you way out into the field behind our house and past the canal, please stay away. If you don't I will have to take more extreme measures- like wishing you would get run over like that one the other day. I don't know what the old home owners thought of you, but please, find some home where there are some little boys that think you are fun.

Happy New Home Hunting,
The new resident


Dear toilet in upstairs bathroom,

Since we have moved in you have not flushed correctly, you are very slow. This may or may not surprise you but I do not have time for this. Sometimes it's just easier to go downstairs.

from the impatient user


Dear dinner plans,

Where did you go today? Everything I tried or planned on making for dinner went wrong. I know some of it was my fault, but it just reaffirmed my wish to never have to make dinner on Friday nights. I know dinner, you did work out eventually- we have a simple meal of noodles, but I was pretty hungry by the time you worked yourself out.

Missing you
the hungry cook


Dear extra-big snake,

Could you please get out of my woodpile? and slow a little so my husband can catch you and return to your dears friends who must be missing you. I would rather you find them, than them find you.

grossed out


Dear lady with the log,

I'm not sure a piece of wood that size is an appropriate toy for your dog. I doubt he likes carrying something that big in his mouth, it also can't be good for your throwing arm. Just worried about you and your dog.

concerned neighbors


Dear friendly man at the supermarket,

First off, thank you for complimenting our cute baby, although she is girl. We do believe it is fine to ask us about her age and what kind of diapers are best, but it was a little too much to ask us if we needed debt reduction services. We appreciate you willingness to help us through college, but we are both already college graduates. How old do we look?

Hope those diapers work out,
College grads and baby girl


Dear Idaho Drivers,

Could you do me the favor of refraining from trying to pass in a construction, especially when my husband is driving the other direction. You nearly scared him to death. I am somewhat surprised my husband and car made it home unscathed. I would really like him to make it home safely from work everyday, if that's not too much to ask.

Thanks kindly,
worried wife


Dear construction workers,

Is it a company policy to ignore the close calls that cars have when driving by you or were all of you just in silent agreement to ignore the plight of my husband? We know you were just standing around anyway, it's not like you are getting much done.

again, from the worried wife


Dear NBC Thursdays,

Even though you are Hulu Fridays to us we still love you. The perfect start to our weekend. Office you are still funny, but you'll have to do something to keep up with Community and 30 Rock.

laughing out loud
big fans


Dear readers,

Although this blog is silly it was insipred by Heidi Bartle so really we can't take credit for it all.



  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. This was so great, I don't know how I missed it!


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